Wednesday, November 20, 2013

under the weather

Moving out is hard. Moving to another country is hard. Moving to a country where you don’t speak the language or know anyone is hard. Do you guys see where I’m going with this? 

No one really chooses depression. It chooses you. Sometimes it’s caused by a deficiency of nutrients, other times it’s due to our own thinking patterns. But whatever the reason might be; depression sucks. 
It leads us to believe things that are not true, like we aren’t smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough, good enough. We ignore facts that are staring us right in the face, like that exam we aced or the stranger at the shop who asked us out last week. We only see the times we’ve been dumped, rejected, hurt, and scarred for reasons we cannot control. 

I’ll easily admit that I am depressed. It’s not a secret, at least not here. It is my blog, after all. However, I am writing this for the purpose of declaring that I will not submit to my illness

There comes a time in our lives, where we have to take a stand. I’ve taken mine, I have decided that I will fight with what I’ve got. I will not quit this life I’ve been given, because it is short and I intend on enjoying it. 

This is not my first time battling depression. I suffered from it during my school days, along with social anxiety. There were days I could barely move my limbs, and if I was able to get myself to class, I would cry in the bathrooms because I was scared of my own classmates. Eventually, however, I moved on with my life. 

And now I am in Paris. It’s an amazing city, it truly is. But I am alone. I am friendless and scared, I’m having trouble with the language, I miss my family and friends from Norway, I am forced to face demons I have long disregarded from my life. I do not find joy in the things I used to, I prefer simply doing nothing at all. More than anything, I prefer to sleep. 

But I am on my way to recovery. I am on my way out of this for sure, because I will not let this set root in me again.

Now, let’s talk about this blog, shall we? The truth is, I never actually intended for it to become an aniblog. That was never the plan. The plan was to blog about whatever came to my mind, and for a long time I did nothing but watch anime or do anime related stuff, which resulted in this thing I have created. But what I really wanted, was to share my life experience in a way that could help others. I wanted to share my journey. I wanted to make friends and become part of a community, which I lacked the opportunity of doing in real life back in Norway.

And I want to be honest. I’m tired of hiding myself, trying to please everyone around me. I want a place where I can be myself and talk about whatever I want, and if people are interested they can share their thoughts and own experiences. Which is why, I will try to from now on, to include more personal posts and updates on my personal growth, if I do indeed find the energy to. I’ve done some controversial things since I came here, exploring options I’ve never had before, and I plan on discussing these on a later point.

I am not out of ideas. I am not uninspired in any way, I’m not bored by writing. I take much pleasure in it, even if not a single person reads what I wrote. I’d go as far as saying writing is my passion, but I’ll get back to that some other time. 
I just hope you guys can bare with me in these difficult times. If not, then that is fine and I do not mind, but do refrain from leaving negative comments, please. I will continue to upload anime-related posts as well, seeing as I do still watch them, although I’m stuck in a rut right now. I’m working very hard on all my issues and may I say my methods are working? I’ll even share them when the time is right. 

But in all honesty, I didn’t really write this post for you guys. I wrote it for me. It is my blog, after all. Until next time. 

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